Why I Can’t Receive Love And How It’s Crushing My Life

Transcript

She said to me, “you know, once we connected a little later”, she said,  “it wasn’t you answering, it was the beast answering”, and these beast elements were parts of me.

I love you with my heart, with my soul, with every fibre of my entire being, how are you feeling right now, beautiful soul?

So today I wanted to dive into something personal and share a story with you that I hope inspires you and I trust triggers something within you to create more healing for yourself, or maybe one of your loved ones, someone that you know. This video is called “Why I can’t receive love and how it’s crushing my life”. Now over the course of the last few weeks, I’ve been on this crazy little journey, and it’s only an extension of the whole journey, but it’s like another layer that I’ve been able to transmute, transcend, and bring into wholeness within myself. It’s been a real rocky ride, but at the same time, like a magical and wondrous experience. I’m just extremely grateful to have been able with the support of some other beautiful humans to  get through this little milestone and elevate myself and expand myself and bring more of myself into the centre point, into the zero point.

If you’ve been listening to me for a while, you know that I was fostered and adopted as a child, and many of you know that my birth mother, who I found when I was about 25 years old, was giving birth to me, she didn’t tell her parents. She went off to a home to give birth for women out of wedlock when she was only young. When it was the time to give birth, she was taken into a room, and she was left there for around 13 hours, and she was given no medication. No one came to see if she was okay. It was brutal, and then when it was time for me to come out into this world, two men in black masks walked into the room with a woman and they cut my mother’s vagina with a pair of scissors, with no medication. They just ripped me out, went and stuck me in another room and left her bleeding for hours. And then they came back in a little while later, stitched her back up, again with no medication. They just left me crying in the other room for hours and that was how I came into this world. And then when I was about two months old, my first foster parents there was, like some sexual molestation going on, and I was abused by them.

I’m only sharing this story, so you get the gist of why it’s been a little bit tougher to break through some of these milestones later in my life. My first adoptive mother used to beat me with a wooden ruler. She used to bend me over the bed and hit me three times. My first schoolteacher, when I was five, pulled my pants down in the classroom and smacked me on the ass in front of all the other kids. I’ve had a lot of traumas with women right at the start of my life. Anyway, put that to one side. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been on this crazy journey.

I went to a festival in Las Vegas called Arcadia run by Fit for Service. It was awesome, and on the last night or the last day, I was sat there listening to a fellow talk, a fellow called Kyle. He gave an awesome speech with another guy, and I’ve forgotten his name. They were talking about this kind of project they’ve got going on.

Wicked, amazing project to do with water and all this stuff, and when he was talking, he started talking about one of his children and it was quite emotional. He was shedding tears, and something happened during that talk. At the time I didn’t really know the full extent and magnitude of what was happening, but, you know, the universe works in real mysterious ways. So, when he showed his vulnerability and he was kind of just completely open and authentic on stage in front of a lot of people, this little crystal key floated through the audience of people.

I was like sat at the back on the left and I saw it and I watched it. I was like, where’s that going? And it came towards me and just before it got to my body, I saw like a walnut, you know, a hard walnut in my heart. And this little key came into my heart and it kind of penetrated the walnut and the walnut cracked open. And I felt tears in my eyes and I just kind of went with it and I didn’t really know what was happening at the time. I was like, okay, something’s triggered in me. This is cool, man. You know, like it’s another level of emotion being released, and it was beautiful, but that was really it and, nothing really happened immediately. Anyway, I left Las Vegas. I went to Banduras. I stayed with a couple of my friends for a few days and then flew to Romania now where we’re building our healing centre.

Now I’m in Romania, my girlfriend’s here. We got out one night at about two o’clock in the morning and started doing this kind of ceremony where we’re connecting, we’re speaking light language, we’re meditating. We’ve brought a light out of our bodies and we’ve jumped into this great, big, beautiful geometry we’ve created in the middle of the land, sunk our frequencies together and gone down into the grids and we’re doing all this work. We’re doing some breathwork and different things and it went on for maybe the best part of two hours.

Now, as soon as we finished, we have gone back inside and I’ve got this crazy pain in my body, all at my back, the backs of my legs in my shoulders. And I’ll tell you what it was like, if you’ve ever had food poisoning, you know, you get food poisoning, you feel sick. You can, you can be puking, you can be shitting, and you get this kind of crazy ache through your body. Well, I didn’t have any puking, but I had this crazy ache from nowhere. I wasn’t feeling sick, but my body ached, like it had food poisoning, and you know, I’m thinking, what have I eaten but then I, you know, that’s just my mind, you know, my heart knew that something has been triggered from within me because we’ve gone into this space and opened to pure divinity, pure love and it’s triggered some, some deep stuff inside of me right now, rewinds 24 hours before this. My girlfriend said to me, Jerry, you know, you’re just not receiving love problems. And my ego’s like, yeah, yeah, yeah whatever as your ego does, but a part of me knew in my heart that she’s speaking the truth.

I’m always ready to dive into myself, but there’s a part of me that knew this was going to be challenging. And it’s not that I’m scared of a challenge, but I just didn’t really know where to start, you know. So, I kind of sort of just brushed it off there and then, okay, so then we’ve done this kind of ceremony the next night, the next day we, we get up and we go down to the lake on our land and we’re doing some more, breathwork, and some more stuff and blah, blah, blah. Soon as we finished and  I went back into the house, and I got this like another part of food poisoning. There were no aches. There was no puking, there was no shitting, but I was feeling sick, and I couldn’t eat anything. So, I had this like any other part of food poison. Again, I knew something was coming up inside of me. Now, I was in real pain with this sickness. I was doubled up right in the bedroom. And I go and lie down on the bed. My girlfriend comes in and she’s like, are you okay? And I snapped at her. Now this wasn’t really like me and, and what really came up to me straight away was you’re not allowing her to love you and carefully. Now, if I rewind back another 48 hours to the first time, we may rewind, uh, 24 hours.

She told me at the time that when she was looking into my eyes, she kept seeing this beast. Okay. So, I’m lying on the bed. And she kind of walks out the room and leaves me to it. I’m going through this stuff. Okay. It wasn’t fair on her, but it happened. I’m lying there for an hour or two, I’m breathing, I’m dealing with this stuff. I’m journeying into myself. I’m trying to access this beast element that I can’t really access it, but I managed to kind of transmute the pain and I get myself kind of into a better state. She’d gone off to do some meditation. So, I left her a voice message on WhatsApp. And I said, listen, I’m sorry. Okay. I realized that you came to love me. And I was rejecting that love. I couldn’t receive that love and what I realized that was not actually, I didn’t realize that she told me, she said to me, you know, once, once we connected a little bit later, she said it wasn’t you answering, it was the beast answering.

The beast had snapped because the beast didn’t want to receive any love. So fast forward, I think it was about another day or maybe two days. And we’re kind of having this kind of talk, just lying on, on the bed. And we’re talking about all this stuff and receiving love and, and all this stuff that we’ve experienced over the last couple of days and everything we’ve done together. And I knew that I had to go in and kind of resolve this beast scenario. So, I’ve said to her, will you do some healing on me? I’m going to do some work on myself, and I said, will you tap in and see what’s going on too? So, I’m lying on the bed. She’s preparing herself to do what she needs to do to help me. I drop in and I go into the healing session. Now, as soon as I go into the healing session, I see this little baby. And it’s me when I was a couple of months old, when I’d had that experience with my foster parents and this little baby me is inside this kind of chamber, like a prison. Guarding this chamber are  these two like, I don’t know how to describe, they’re a bit like werewolves, black beasts. They had big teeth, and they were drooling, and they were just evil and snappy and just ferocious. These beast elements were parts of me that were just very, very angry about the different things that have happened to me over my lifetime and other lives. They were guarding my heart and protecting that little child, and stopping it from receiving love, because anyone that had been to love it in the past had caused it harm.

This beast had many kinds of elements and aspects. Okay. So, I had to go in, communicate with the beast. I had to retrieve this little part of baby Jerry and bring him into my heart, and I had to hug him forever. Like with everything I had, I had to hold him in my arms and nurture him and hug him and remind him that he was loved, and I had to allow myself to love him and allow him to receive the love from me. I had to transmute those beast elements, which I did and brought little baby Jerry home. My girlfriend was doing whatever she was doing and as soon as this happened, and as soon as this took place, some amazing things have happened in my life. Like weird, strange opportunities to receive blessings from the universe and I’m just so, so grateful. I’m sharing this op, this, this story with you, because wherever you are on this planet, what is important is that we have the courage and the confidence and the ability to make that choice, to take that deep dive into our consciousness, into our heart, to transmute, whatever is blocking us from receiving love.

For many, many years, I’ve been giving and offering and helping so many people, but there’s been this part of me that’s not really been received properly. I’ve never really noticed it before because I’ve always just been given, but having it pointed out to me and then going through this process has really made me realize with just all of me, how important it is to receive love because when you allow yourself to receive, you give to others want they want to give to you probably one of the greatest gifts you can give them. that is an open heart and allowing them to give back to you. Giving and receiving of both mission critical and me going on this little journey and this ride, and it all started with this kind of key coming out of, you know, Kyle’s consciousness back in Arcadia and cracking open this water.

I started this little process and I remember five years going on an Ayahuasca journey. You know, I dealt with some deep stuff around this abandonment rejection stuff. I’ve been dealing with it since I went on my spiritual journey back in 2004, and I’ve been cracking open layers and layers and transmuting them. You always think, hey, yep, that’s it. It’s done now. It’s done now, next level it’s done now. But boy, I tell you what, this was another pulse and layer that right now I’m thinking, you know, fingers crossed this is it. Maybe it is, or maybe it isn’t, it doesn’t matter.  Right now, what I know is that love is just pouring out of me, into me, in a much better way and I’m just grateful to the universe played a role in this. I just trust that in some way, this inspires you to take a deep dive into your heart and to uncover, unravel, transduce, transmute, any little pieces of your kind of cosmic puzzle and bring yourself more into wholeness. Because these beasts that were inside of me that were a part of me, it wasn’t something I could beat up, get rid of or chuck away, you know, cut loose. It was something that I had to bring into me and nurture and love and love so fiercely and ferocious that it mounted inside of me, and I came back into wholeness and brought these elements of me back home.

Wherever you are on this planet, beautiful soul, I just want you to know you’ll never alone. You’re magical. I love you and the universe is supporting you. You get to frame and reframe reality however you see fit and for you to truly step into your power, you must be a master of darkened light. You must be a Jedi with your lightsabre, bringing all the light and all the dark into the zero point and grounding it in the centre of your heart. This Stargate, this labyrinth mystery. There’s so much knowledge, so much power, so much joy for you to connect with and allow to illuminate your own soul and every cell in your body. You are a superhuman, a galactic titan from the stars, a sovereign soldier, an earth angel, a real walking talking beacon of divinity.

The more you dive in and merge with your own shadow aspects, the more that beacon of divinity is going to shine and the better of service you’re going to be to your fellow sisters and brothers. So, take that deep dive, beautiful soul. Go out into this world and shine your light, express yourself, fully, speak your truth, live your truth, and don’t hold back at any moment. Be authentic, be true and respect yourself and I’ll see you again real soon. Remember to check out our website, starmagichealing.org.

We got some of the best Ascension tools on the planet. Go and get access to our free seven-day meditation challenge and all the other goodies on the website. You’re amazing and I love you as my sister or brother. Love fiercely, love ferociously, hug tightly and remember the golden rule of hugging beautiful soul. Never be the first to let go. I will see you soon. One love, one heart, one human family. Peace out, beautiful soul.

How would you like to wake up every single day with joy is your natural default state bouncing around this planet loving every second. It’s easy when you follow a certain set of protocols. it’s time for you to step into your power. You’re a lion, a lioness, a God, a goddess. Right now, you can access our free seven-day meditation challenge. You will activate courage, confidence, connect to source and feel love in your heart, always. You will generate a wave of enthusiasm that will flow from your heart always as you merge the divine masculine and the divine feminine frequencies into wholeness. into the zero point. Click the link and access these short, powerful, and potent meditations, and kickstart a new way of operating in this human reality. You are amazing, beautiful soul, amazing, extraordinary, phenomenal, and you have so much magic, knowledge, and wisdom locked inside of you.

These meditations, this short meditation challenge will bring all of that to the surface so you can activate your superhuman potential. Click the link and I will see you on the other side. I want you to thrive, to shine your light and express your divinity, to speak your truth always, to live your truth, to stand in your power, and make up your own rules of this human game. Go out into this world. Love your sisters and your brothers fiercely and ferociously. Hug them tightly and never ever be the first to let go. That’s the golden rule of hugging. I will see you on the inside. Click the link now. Let’s do this.

ONE LOVE. ONE HEART. ONE HUMAN FAMILY. PEACE OUT, BEAUTIFUL SOUL.